Oh shoot. Did you remember to ask? How can the simple act of finding a place to sit create so much anxiety in us?
Have you ever walked courtside into a sporting event, bleachers full, feeling all eyes on you? You feverishly scan for a place to sit — squirming uncomfortably inside. Even texting a friend ahead of time to save you a seat doesn’t spare you the few harrowing moments of panic trying to spot them in a blur of faces.
Just finding them fills you with anxiety as you make your way up the stairs, looking everywhere while trying not to trip and fall. Be cool, look calm and confident — aha, there they are!
Relief washes over you.
Why is finding our seat so difficult and stressful?!
Heck, there’s even a game about it! Remember musical chairs? Think of how you felt walking around the circle to an upbeat song. Pretending to have fun, but always eyeing the spot you’d frantically fight for when the music suddenly stopped.
Would you be out of the game this time?! If all the seats filled, leaving you standing and embarrassed, off you went on the loser walk of shame.
Maybe you made it to the final round: one, single chair left. Picking up the pace each time around the back, then hurrying to get back in front. Anything to make sure YOUR behind drops onto that chair first!
Getting your spot can feel stressful, serious, and like SUCH a big deal.
As kids or adults, finding our seat next to the ‘right’ people matters.
Throughout our school years, we learn the social norms of caring what others think about us and conforming to fit in somewhere, somehow. Where you sat — and who you sat with — in the bleachers, classroom, and cafeteria was a status symbol or label.
At lunch, where did you sit? Was your place at the table with the Brains, Loners, Jocks, or Cool Kids? Personally, I always looked forward to sitting with my impressively hair-sprayed bangs group of friends. (You 80s girls get it!)
Sometimes, even the teachers used seating to categorize students. In elementary school, I often found myself in the front row seated among the ‘naughty’ kids.
My “talks too much in class” problem landed me there. I longed to sit in the back where I could pass notes and whisper to fellow classmates. (Yes, I’ve always had a lot to say..)
Where we sat shaped who we became friends with AND what we thought of ourselves.
While we can’t go back, we CAN learn to let go of the anxiety and open up our circle.
When the quadruplets were in middle school, I made a rule that no one would EVER leave one of her sisters out — no matter what group of friends they found themselves in. It gave some safety to always have one another, even if a sister was on the outs.
While their own little squad provided internal comfort, I knew it might be intimidating to others. “Look out for each other. And keep an eye out and include that person who doesn’t have anyone,” they were told often.
We CAN teach our kids the power of who they are, how they treat others, AND who they sit with.
When they’d get home from school, I’d casually ask, “who did you sit by at lunch today?” That one question opened the floodgates of how the day went — with ALL the girl drama that goes along with trying to fit in.
Working them through the situation, advising them how to handle things the next day, and making sure they weren’t ever the ones leaving someone out was a typical daily conversation in our household. They knew that how they treated others was just as important to me as how they did in the classroom.
One day, back in my own middle school, a teacher announced that a new girl from California was joining our class. Seated directly in front of me, I couldn’t help but notice her edgy haircut and clothes.
For our small-town Iowa lifestyle, I thought it took some guts for her to not worry about fitting in and stay true to herself. It took courage — knowing she would stand out and risking people talking behind her back or even excluding her.
I admired her, and passed a note that read, “would you like to sit by us for lunch?”
Now I was brave too! That’s the thing… Bravery can be just as inspiring as fear is contagious.
She joined our group that day, and each day after. Even though it’s a simple act, inviting someone new often feels scary — because you’re putting yourself out there. What if they say no?
And what if they say yes?! What if I hadn’t passed that note for fear that we didn’t need anyone else in our established group? I would’ve missed out on a lifelong friend who reminded me not to stress about always trying to fit in.
Because she set the tone by being herself, I’ve always been able to just be myself around her.
What if we care LESS about taking “our spot” and MORE about the exciting opportunity to save her a seat?
As creatures of habit, we tend to sit in the same row or area in those places we frequent. If you find someone else in “your spot,” do you fight the urge to shoot them a dirty look? As if they should’ve seen the invisible ‘reserved’ rope around “your seat” — only to be lifted when you arrive. (Come on, you know you’ve thought about it!)
Professionally, I attend conferences, workshops, and awards events where I see colleagues maybe once a year. Getting to be by the ones I want to hang out with is of the utmost importance. Have you been in this situation?
Before the doors open for breakfast, a meeting, or the awards ceremony, you’re half checked out of the conversation as you strategically scope the joint. Listening enough to nod or “uh-huh” appropriately, you come up with a plan of action: get to the front of the pack and claim your spot — all while trying to maintain a level of coolness.
A fellow colleague once equated racing to find your seat at an event to the scene “let the games begin!” from The Hunger Games. It really feels that serious!
To alleviate this worry, you plan ahead and find out when some of your friends will be there. Whoever gets there first saves a spot for the designated people (AKA chosen ones). When you arrive late for breakfast and see the table of friends with someone’s bag placed on an empty chair meant for you… Phew! Instantly, I feel better just thinking of it.
Last year, I had the opportunity to attend an event where this topic came up. I realized many women share this very common fear of being left out or not having a seat. I wasn’t alone!
Better yet, as we tackled this issue head-on, it became no issue at all.
First, we were paired with a few ladies based on our personality assessments. What a joy to find myself getting to know independent, caring, kind ladies — who communicated in sarcasm as much as I do! If it weren’t for this exercise, I might have only said “hi,” moved on, and missed genuine connections.
Because we addressed the elephant in the room to make sure everyone felt included, I found myself not sticking with my “comfort people.” Each following meal, cocktail hour, even the bus rides, I found myself choosing to sit by and get to know someone new!
This was a first for me. It wasn’t because I had to — I actually wanted to! I let go of fearfully trying to fit in. With an inclusion mindset, you can truly enjoy getting to know everyone. It feels exciting to meet and talk to the next new person!
Now, we’re making it a point to #SaveHerASeat because this conference opened up so many possibilities for those of us lucky enough to attend. Instead of just thinking about our own seats, we’re saving one for the next incredible woman to meet.
The way I see it, there are 4 types of people:
- Those who only save a spot for a select few
- Those who save her a seat — with the intention for no one to be excluded and to meet someone new
- Those with the courage to go up to someone with an empty spot next to them — and ask “is this seat taken?”
- Those bold enough to just go and take a seat next to someone new
I don’t know about you, but I’ll never again choose the first option. Depending on the situation and how I feel that day, I’ll choose 2, 3, or 4.
So if I choose 4 and you find me seated next to you, I can’t wait to get to know you!
If you’re looking for solitude or saved that spot for someone else — you can expect me to smile and move onto the next great person I can’t wait to meet.
If you’re game to try to save her a seat, here’s your official challenge!
Show up with courage and invite someone new to find a spot next to you. Then come back and tell me all about it in the comments below! One seat at a time, we’ll make the world a bit brighter and friendlier.
Happy we’re traveling together,
xo
